It’s ironic that both men and woman say the same thing about each other: ‘We just don’t understand them”. This would make sense since men are not women and women are not men. Sure there are some that say men are from Mars and women from Venus but that would mean you would have to actually go there to know this; and how many men would take that journey? In order to get it you have to get beyond yourself and of course we go go back to where it all started with Adam and Eve; but that isn’t the examination of this article today. Perhaps another time.
To help men understand women and grasp where the oh so crazy ideas are coming from it will be explained in simple terms; not because men are stupid but because simplicity is best. Here we go:
1- Women take what men say literally. What does this mean? Well gents; if you tell a woman something like, ‘you are beautiful’ or ‘I will be home in about an hour’ that is what she is working with. If you say something like, ‘We’ll go on a road trip to Austin. You will love it’ the woman will listen to the action of what you said. If you tell her you are going to call then guess that? She is expecting a phone call. Otherwise; why would you say it? Note if you are a liar then we need not say more but again- who would tell the truth about that?
If you compliment her, then kiss her at the end of the date and tell her you will call her- and then don’t you have just done more damage than you know. It’s a triple whammie! Not only now are you the liar, but why would you kiss her if you didn’t like and why would you say you would call if you have no intention of doing so? See guys; what this does is mess it up for the next guy who comes along.
Just as I wrote to woman that their behavior sets the stage for those who follow and the same thing here. If you don’t follow through and give her the wrong impression then she is going to wonder what is so wrong with her and what she did wrong. Now she may have done nothing wrong which is why you complimented her, kissed her and said you would call but that isn’t it. She is going to internalize that she did something wrong because you didn’t follow up. She is left not knowing a single thing other than it was a big farce. Then when the next man comes along; she most likely hasn’t forgotten what the last one did and now with you she is more on guard than she ever was. By you being honest you will save yourself, the men who come after you; and he ladies as well.
You may ask ‘how do I get around saying I will call when I know I won’t’? Well; don’t tell her that you will. Just tell her you had a nice time and leave it at that. This way; when she calls her girl friends a couple days later to complain that ‘you didn’t call’ her friends will ask ‘did he say he would call?’ and she can say ‘No. He didn’t.’ While she may be hurt at least the truth would be out instead of her having the statement ‘he said he would call’ and ‘he just proved he’s a liar’ to work with.
I know and have heard from some men that honesty is not the best policy here but let me just tell you from personal experience: I would much prefer the truth than a lie. I once went on a fabulous 3 hour lunch followed by a spontaneous movie with a man and it was awesome! Every single thing about it was better than any date in the previous 9 years and then nothing. No call, nothing. I was left not knowing anything. To have not been told he would call would have been much easier to swallow than hearing he would and not knowing why he didn’t. Take it from me; women may not like the fact you don’t call but at least you were honest and women can respect that. You wouldn’t be a jerk you would just be a man who didn’t call. Do you see the difference?
2- Compliments mean something. When a man compliments a woman it’s a beautiful thing. In case you haven’t noticed; women go out of their way to look good for you. Some even starve themselves or enlarge their chest just to feel better about themselves so that you guys will take note. Short skirts, high high heels, makeup; need I say more. Yes in this instance much of it all about you. (We won’t talk about how some women do it for other women in this post.) When you compliment a woman she hears it and it is affirming; but now if do nothing to follow it it then it’s a big blow to her ego. Let me explain: if you go out with a woman and tell her how beautiful she is then why wouldn’t you want to go out with her? If you tell her that ‘she is the perfect package’ then what is the issue that you don’t want to continue to go out with her? Do you see how this ties in to #1.
3- Over-complimenting is creepy. Giving a compliment is one thing but over-complimenting is something else. Sure it’s nice to hear ‘You are beautiful’ ‘I love your mind’ ‘I love your curves’ and so on but if all you do is give compliments one after another after another after…. you will leave her wondering what is wrong with you. She also will become more reserved because you will come off as a smooth salesman who just says the right things because he thinks it’s what a woman wants to hear as opposed to it being genuine. If you use compliments to get them back; that too will be a trap because she may be as smooth in that area as you are. She may give them in other ways and if you listen not only with your ears but your eyes too you will get much more.
4- Telling women you enjoy touching them in a first date is scary. If it’s a first date and you are unsure what she thinks of you; don’t tell her that touching her makes you feel good. You have just freaked her out! If you then couple it with ‘my love language is touch’ then now you are just sly. You are using The 5 Love Languages to justify getting what you want from her and that guys; does not make it ok. What she hears is ‘I get off on touching you’ which is extremely uncomfortable. It also tells her that you are more interested in how ‘you’ feel than how she does and you are now selfish and only interested in yourself. A big red flag! Now in other situations where you already know her that can be great but on a first date she is thinking she needs to take a shower to get the filth off.
5- Talking about the type of women you date tells more than you realize. Everyone has a past. Period. There is no way around this unless you are 12; and even some out there have major stories. Talking about women you have gone out with is one thing; but if you share things like, ‘oh this doctor I went out with’ or ‘that model I went out with had the longest legs’ then guess what? Good for you! If they were so great why are you not with them now? What is your point in sharing that with a woman? If you tell her you have or do date married women- then what does that say about you? There are some things that need not be shared in the beginning as it is only intel women will use to size you up. It would be similar to the woman you are trying to impress sharing with you that her last boyfriends were billionaires. Can you compete with that? No more than she can thinks she can compete with the long model legs. You still don’t want to hear it any more than she does. Also take note that she would be focusing on the type of women as in title and looks while you would be focusing on the money factor so why bring in something unnecessary. She isn’t going to want to get naked any time soon if all she is now thinking is that you want out with a model. The time is about each of you and not other people.
6- Women work within time perimeters. This is a tricky one and if you get this it will help you much. Women work within time constructs and most men don’t get that. Yes most women don’t get that men have no time line which yes is an issue for everyone. You see; women do work within time frames and for great reasons. It’s typically women who manage the household, make 80% of the decisions, go to work, take care of the kids; and pick up your dry cleaning and do your laundry while making sure dinner is ready. If there were no time frame of anything what would get done? Women need time to get ready for a date with you which again; time factor. It isn’t about putting you in a box but rather them having something to work with. Things need to be done in a certain time frame for women and that is because women plan more than men. It’s not a negative or positive just something to help you understand why women are time focused. If you say you will be home an an hour; she is expecting you home in an hour. If you want to know what she is doing in that hour? Getting the last of her work done, running two errands, freshening up, cleaning up; and perhaps preparing dinner or something else for you. You not showing up is infuriating because she could have done the other ‘3’ errands she needed to but didn’t, continued working on another project; and prepared something different than what she originally had planned based upon the time you gave her. Do you see it now?
7- Titles and labels aren’t traps. When a woman asks what is it that you are doing together and what it ‘is’ it doesn’t mean she is trying to trap you. It’s that she just wants to know. Some men think that women are so devious in their thinking that women just spend all day thinking of how they can trap a man they like into giving them a title. Why would women do that? Don’t say because they are crazy because women could say the same thing! Women work more on definites than abstracts. Giving something a definition doesn’t mean your life is over! If you think this then perhaps you should not be going out with her, or her, or her; or her or her. If you drive a car you have no issue calling it that so if you are dating a woman who happens to ask if you are just dating or exclusive don’t freak out. If you happen to date the ones that do then possibly it’s something to look into. She doesn’t want to marry you tomorrow. You see; gone are the days where women ‘need’ a man to have an identity. You may not know it or not but women do have their own social security numbers now. If they have identity in Christ; then rest in that too.
8- Pay attention to her body language. This is huge gents. If you start paying attention to her body language you will get it. If you ask her ‘honey what’s wrong’ and she says nothing but won’t look at you- it’s a clue. 93% of communication daily is nonverbal. The cues and clues are all there but if you are too busy focusing on the fact she talks too much you will miss everything she is telling you; and what a shame that would be! If you want a woman who doesn’t talk- then go date a man. Who knows what you may be missing out on by not listening and paying attention to the woman you are with?? If you move in close to her on a first date and she moves away it’s a clue. Don’t go in closer as you will only then push her further away and your second date will never happen; and your first is ending sooner than you may want. Women need time to absorb information. This is why women window shop every store of the mall; they gather information. You men; can walk in and buy and be done in 30 seconds. If you meet a woman and try it your way going in for the kill so quick you will end up dead in the water! Women are always communicating and if you pay attention to it you will get much more than you realize. I challenge you to start today!
9- Her wanting to be married doesn’t mean to you. There are always things women should not talk about; so says men and ‘some’ dating coaches. Here is the deal on this one though: just because a woman wants to be married some day really doesn’t have anything to do with you. If you tell her you want a sports car should she run because she is going to think that you are expecting it from her? When you hear what she wants understand that it may or may not have anything to do with you. If you take the time to listen to the rest of what she has to say instead of freaking out; you will know much more and not have to order that extra scotch. Yes it’s clear that most men hear marriage and they run because they can’t imagine themselves married or that they aren’t sure if they would be in position to marry her- and on it goes but relax. She may not even be into you and you into her so why run after 30 seconds?
10- Her wanting kids doesn’t mean with you. This is a tricky one because like with marriage; it’s been said that this is also something else that women shouldn’t talk about. Now that is fine and I’m not saying to start the first date with ‘I want to be married and have kids- with you’ as that is a big red flag. On the other hand; knowing this information can be to your advantage. You may not want kids but perhaps your best friend does. Set her up with your best friend and when they get married you will be the hero! Again; just because a woman wants kids means nothing more than this. She has no idea if you would be that person any more than you know if you would want to be that person! Now yes there are those women who at first thought believe you are their savior; and you need to be on watch for this and ask yourself why you are in that position in the first place.
11- Sex means something to women. Sex may just mean sex to men but for women it’s different. Yes we all know that women create intimacy through talking (clue guys) and men through sex. Here is the thing: if you try to skip talking to her and move straight to sex without passing go, collecting 200 or anything else you are not getting it. Every time you have sex with a woman you are creating new soul ties. Those soul ties last and getting yourself entangled with a bunch of women sexually is a big trap. Sure it may just be ‘sex’ for you but for those women there is the emotional connection and when they have sex it does have much meaning behind it. If you are not interested in that woman in an intimate way; don’t use her for sex because you can. She doesn’t deserve it any more than you do a woman freaking out after the fact. Best to protect yourself and not engage. Sure that can be a challenge but there are consequences and what man wants their rabbit boiled?
11- It isn’t always about you. I know this is tough. After all you are a man. You are a good man. You are attractive. You are intelligent. You are a handyman at home. You are a high income earner. You are strong. You are charming. You are witty. Why wouldn’t it be about you? Well; it just isn’t. There are times in life when it is not about you and has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time to get that revelation that it wasn’t about me. It was huge! Once I realized that when a man says he will call and doesn’t that it wasn’t about me. I couldn’t figure that out; just being honest. Once it hit me that I was wasting time allowing myself to be hurt over some man that didn’t want to interact with me for a reason I didn’t know I was free! Him not calling had nothing to do with me- but I was sure it had ‘everything’ to do with me! In your case; it isn’t always about you either. Internalizing it and making it about you just keeps you the center of everything. To this I say; get over yourself! You will be glad you did. Now I know many of you reading this may argue and say ‘it is about me. I’m always in the doghouse’ and bla bla but then ask yourself what it is that you are doing to get and keep you there. I can’t answer that one in specifics as it could be a myriad of things. Not only this; with women you really have no idea so you have to be the investigator and solve that one for you.
So you see; there is a lot to understand. Women aren’t as complicated as you may think. It’s just that it takes time to get to know them and put down the remote or turn off the motorcycle to pay more attention and you will get there. The hope is that this insight will help maneuver through your dating and mating world to get the results that you are looking for. My best guess is that you want less drama, a healthy or healthier relationship with more sex; and a life with happiness. You can get it all if you just open your eyes a little more.